Sydelle Ann

Nestled so close it is almost as if she never exited the womb. 

Breathing air but relying still on body pressed to body to provide comfort

Between two loving arms--soft pillows yielding rest

Such gentle sleepy baby noises betray her

All knows that she is succumbing to the depths of sleep.

Looking at her peace

I am lovesick for my own place of warm safety.

Waiting

Waiting with hope or waiting just to wait

Which am I

What am I waiting for?

Here I am in your power

In my own I am nothing

I am waiting for God's illumination

Striving to see Who He Is and What He Desires Of Me

I hope that His revelation will be soon 

And 

That it will be understood by me

That I will hear clearly 

And

That I will be obedient

Help me not to run ahead of You

Help me not to try and do things on my own

Help me to be content to:

Wait on You

Milk and Honey

I am weary

Isaiah 40: 31 tells me: "But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

Please renew my spirit and help me to mount up and press on. Forgive my weakness and please strengthen my faith. I miss my family.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 tells me: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place which I sent you into exile."

I know, Jesus, that This Place isn't your exile land for me. I know that in fact it is my land of milk and honey and yet I so often feel lost and alone. Help me to cling to Exodus 3:7.

"I have certainly see the oppression of my people in Egypt. I have heart their cries of distress because of their harsh slave drivers. Yes, I am aware of their suffering." 

You delivered me to this land. Please help me to see it as a blessing. The blessing, calling, and privilege that it is.  Give me more grace and mercy when I rage against you and desire to have a comfortable easy life. For truly I desire to know you even more intimately and desire your will.

March 20, 2011

The bright coldness of the world startles and frightens me

The only place I can find warmth and peace is in Your arms

So hold me close to You, against Your very breast

Your arms surround my very being comforting my soul

Grace Grace glorious Grace

Giving me rest and calling my name
Daring me to step even closer
Yet my fears spook me away
I fear that my own darkness scatters all the desires far away

Come Lord Jesus to this day and take the shadows far away
I know that you desire for me to live in the light of your face 

Paige

I stopped sharing cuz you you stopped caring

In fact you leant toward mockery

I no longer choose to open my heart to mere ridicule

You were selfish and made foolish decisions

I thought I knew you but indeed you were not finished

When I read your pages I see how the plot twisted

Wisdom more than knowledge

Seeking wisdom

Seeking more than knowledge

Longing for the freedom of my boundaries

I desire to understand and be understood more by You

I know that this is also Your hope for me

I know that the price of following hard after You is well rewarded

My tears and fears are nothing compared to Your greatness in my life

I am humbled and do not understand why You love me so much 

Or why you let me be apart of Your work

Please continue to fill me up

Be my guide and give me what I need.

Running

As I sit and wait for my friend I am idle

Wistfully wishing that I had something to occupy my hands and my mind

But instead I am stuck

Without distraction to keep me from you

Your majesty is over whelming

So in my self preservation I attempt to avoid you

I know if I continue on this path of Encounter

There will be little of me left

But what is so bad about that?

I ask myself

Why should I not dive into that opportunity?

The answer shames me

I am afraid

Apparently the fact that I already live so far from all that is normal

Isn't enough to push me farther into your arms

What is wrong with me?

Psalm of Denise

I neglect your Word and turn my eyes upon the delights of mine own desires, my thoughts dwell in the places of mankind. 

Why do I constantly turn away from you?

 I know within myself that your goodness does not flow from these and yet I constantly stray from your fount. 

My deepest desire is to be a peace with you and to honor you, so why do I not do what will bring this about? 

Father, please turn your face from my despicable behavior and only return to me once I have returned to you, yet I fear just that. 

That you will finally give me a just punishment, yet your mercy and grace continually abound in my life and instead you remind me of your deep deep love and care for me. 

Oh, how can I bear this joyous burden? 

My soul doesn't know. 

Shall I weep in relief or in sorrow? 

For I  know I  do not deserve such goodness nor can I repay such a debt. 

Humbly I raise my hands in worship and surrender: Take life, forgive me for trying to live without you. 

Repair my heart and grant me wisdom to take each new step in accordance with your plans and not my own. 

Letting you have your rightful place as the author of my life for no one knows me like you do.

All the Single Ladies!

Although I don't often struggle with my own singleness, there are times when I do.  I have come across two blogs, one of them is a personal friend of mine and the other was recommended for me to read. I just thought that if I liked them then perhaps you would too. 

My friend's blog post: From One Broken Jar to Another 


Grace for the Road: I Don't Wait Anymore.

I hope that you enjoyed them and that you now look forward to Living Life to the Full.

Your Love

Your love warms me in my deepest darkest winter

Your love continues to flow when I'm at my deadsend

Your love ministers to me when I 'm all alone and lonely

Your love is a world of things and does a world of good for this little heart

Your love is bigger than my biggest blackest fear

Your love reminds me of my mother when she is not near

Your love strengthens when I just can't go on

Your love is a world of things and does a world of good for this little heart

Your love treats me like a lover when I have no one

Your love satisfies me like a meal that's done

Your love does not leave although I run

Your love is a world of things and does a world of good for this little heart

Your love reminds me of a flower in early spring

Your love takes me higher than the largest  swing

Your love gives me words to a song I'll sing

Your love is a world of things and does a world of good for this little heart

Circa 1998

In my room

I shut the door behind me

Then I cover my face and I cry

"LORD, I surrender my all."

It's so hard to let things go

Like people and dogs and roses

But the hardest part of all are

The dreams we believe in

Surrender must be a key

To having a happy life

But why LORD why must I 

Sacrifice these dreams?

In my room

I shut the door behind me

Then I cover my face and I cry

"LORD, I surrender my all."

Can't I live the life that I am living

In perfect harmony?

Why must I lay my life on this alter?

Why must I give it away?

To please you I give my hope into your hands today

Take me. Mold me. Turn me into your vessel.

Such hard words to say.

In my room

I shut the door behind me

Then I cover my face and I cry

"LORD, I surrender my all."

Timothy and Paul

And

John and Him and Rhonda

All gave you all control

So help me to accept all your guidence

Help me to survive the Call

LORD, help me to give you all

Laying down my life in the hands of my Saviour

May be the hardest part I do

But I will never know until I step out

In my room

I shut the door behind me

Then I cover my face and I cry

"LORD, I surrender my all."

Forgive me LORD for wanting 

Things that may not be

For love in bed and babies on the way

For little things like roses and princess parties

LORD, please forgive me

Take my wishing away.

In my room

I shut the door behind me

Then I cover my face and I cry

"LORD, I surrender my all."

 

Rainstorms

Please don’t try to shelter me from the Rain.
You never understand
That part of my life includes the Rain.

Washing my face, my hands,
My body with cold, clean wet Holiness.
And I am alive again.
With Spirit and with love and with righteousness
I dance amidst the Rain.
Splashing and laughing
Water shimmers and the starlight gleams
And the air is transformed into a
Sparkling fairy world
Where I may meet Oberon and he will join
My Rain Dance.

Pittering against my window
Trying to get in
Its hard round self chased me in
And now I’m cold.
The harshness and gloom
Have surrendered me into my

Chair and blankets
Causing introspection with
Its chorus on the panes of glass.
The sins un-confessed spring to mind
As well as the other times this glower appeared in the sky.
My own blue tide sweeps across my mind
And the flood gates open slowly.
Trickle by tear my prayers roll out of me. 

My fears, my sins, my hopes, my fruitless dreams.
With each sob the load is lightened.

found a friend who is able to stand
up beside me and
Join my Rain Song

What a life I have

See how I need this Rainstorm.

Which ever way the wind blows it teaches me how to appreciate my life

Rain Dance or Rain Song: I long for you.

Rain down on me now.

God of the Journey

God of the Journey
Guardian, guide,
No pillar of cloud by day
Nor fire by night.
Yet I sense your presence with me
God of the journey.
You are walking with me into a new land.
You are guarding me in my vulnerable moment.
You are dwelling within me
As I depart from here.
You are promising to be my peace
As I face struggles of distance
From friends and security
The planting of feet and heart in a strange place.
Renew in me a deep trust in you.
Calm my anxiousness. 

As I reflect on my life
I can clearly see how
You have been there in all of my leavings
You have been there in all of my comings
You will always be with me in everything
I do not know how
I am being resettled.
But I place my life into 

Welcoming arms of your love.
Encircle my heart with your peace.
May your powerful presence
Run like a strong thread
Through the fibers of my being.
I beg of you to assist me
To accept that all of my life is only on loan to me

To believe beyond this moment
To accept your courage when mine fails
To recognize the pilgrim part of my heart

To hold all of life with open hands

To treasure all that is gift and blessing

To look at the painful parts

And

To grow through them

To allow your love

To embrace me on the empty and lonely days

To receive the truth of your forgiveness

And

To trust in the place of forever Hello

Sept 4, 2001

I am like the sheep who knows who gives her life but who keeps running away.
Hold me in your loving arms, keep me closer to you than Blue Bunny is to me and guide me into the path everlasting.
Please burn me like the sun to get my attention. 

Show me to the glory of your existence and burden me with your vision.

Sept 7, 2007

I am faltering here grasping at straws
Settling for doing good
And appearing good
Rather than actually being good.
Hallow me out
Fill me with your life
With your spirit
Your faith
Your hope
I want to be alive
And not merely watching life.
Take me and make me
Draw me near that I may be transformed

Lamppost

In the fall, before the snow, I went walking.

Under the bight full moon I sat upon a blanket and read these words:

You are more beautiful than you think.

You have more knowledge than you know.

You delight me and you have my strength surging within you.

And His voice continued,

I love you.

You are my precious one who I cherish.

I believed Him and strove to live my life in a way that would bring Him joy.

Somewhere along the way, I failed Him.

So here I am afraid of the deep pain I have caused Him.

Having no faith or hope to ever please Him again and yet I strive still to do the things that would make Him smile if only my heart were in it because I knew He was watching.

Forgive my anger and fear and take this wayward child into Your arms because I long to have the joy that You are watching and that I am not melodically just walking down this road for someone else's eyes because I only want to be pleasing You. 

Damn everyone else

 For You are to be my Lamppost, the one I dance near and look to and eat with and drive by. 

The others are merely there by chance.

We are One

I know that when you have given more then you knew you had to give
You will not look back on me and wonder what went wrong
For I know you're going places farther than you think you will
Soaring to the highest places on wings that God has given you.
When I'm gone you'll be there even when I feel alone.
I will know that you care and that if ever I do need a friend
I am yours. You are mine. We will never say farewell.

And when we walk amongst our garden and see the flowers we each have grown
We will know the Son did plant them and we were never alone

What do I miss?

I don't yearn for sweet apple pie

I don't long for big blue skies

What I miss about home are the people

I don't miss competition between states

I don't want political debates

What I long for from home is my freedom

Freedom to pray

Freedom to speak

Freedom to carry and share

I don't long for parks that have grass

I don't miss not having class

What I yearn for are clothes and shoes that will fit.

I don't desire lots of money or

Even opportunities

What I miss about home is trusting in the quality

Quality of plumbing

Quality of brand names

Quality of food and life

And although all the previous statements are not true:

Cuz I do miss apple pie and I miss big blue skies

Sometimes I miss football rivalries and hearing about the latest candidate

I miss green grass and not going to class 

Occasionally I wish I had more money or better opportunities

But they all pale to what I truly miss from home:

The knowledge that I am valued and respected because I am alive

Take away the pie and the skies

Take away my peeps

And

Take away my identity

Take away my choice

And

Remove all the grass

Always make me be in class

Keep the clothing sizes: Extra Small

And

Take all my money 

Give me no advantages

 Reduce all quality to poor

One thing remains that cannot be taken away: my faith

I cling to this faith every day in this world that is so strange

And

I cling to this faith when I pray

I cling to it as I cry out at the lack of everything I hold so dear 

And

 I cling to it hidden inside me just waiting to share it with someone who asks

God of Life

I am Lost at sea
The wild winds
And pelting rain
Of my troubles are threatening
To submerge me in their power.
I am tossed to and fro
By the Struggles
That come upon me every day.
There is so little energy in me
To go on
I do not know how much longer
I can hold onto hope.
In my Distress
I cry out.
Are You asleep in my boat of life?
Do You care that I am battling the Storm
With every breath that I take?
Then Your grace sweeps through My Being
And I remember
The sacred voice of the ages:
If I flew to the point of sunrise
Or west ward across the sea
Your hand would lead me 

Your right hand holding me.
All the truth of Your sheltering love
Comes to comfort me in bits
and pieces of the Psalms.
You do shelter me
Under Your awning
From Trouble You will hide me
Deep in the dwelling of Your heart
And protect me
I know Your love for me
Has been deep and strong
Since the moment of my conception
For You drew me out of my mother’s womb.
You entrusted me to my mother.
From my mother’s womb You have been my God
So, I beg
Comforting One
Who goes with me in the Storm
look after me
I take shelter in You
Guard me like the pupil of Your eye
Hide me in the shadow of Your wings
For I belong to You
I seek shelter for You are my hope
You have always been my strength
I will rest in You, God
And trust that You will be with me
No matter how great
Or how long
Or how intense this
Storm
You are the source of my hope.
With You for my strong support
My safety

I will make it through all this.
Your arms are around me

My shelter

Just as the flame of this candle before me

Is sheltered from the wind

And keeps burning brightly

I entrust my life to You

Perfect Cup of Tea

I await you with anticipation 

wondering how soon and when
Like my hot Water
in the teapot

I linger near it wishing to hear 

the piercing whistle that signals
its readiness to make my Tea

The Tea is ready 

but the Water is not.
Am I the Water
or the Tea?
Which are you?
Perhaps I long for you to be done
when you are
here and ready but are waiting on me.

The whistle blows and the Tea
is made
I savor the

aroma and taste
of such a perfect combo
I pray that I wouldn’t
try to mix the two before they are ready
Make yourself as carefully as I deserve
and I will strive to do the same for you
I know you deserve only
the best.

The Sea

Do you ever feel old beyond the time you have been walking on this earth,
too tired to go on?
Frightened by the things that have gone before
afraid of what is to come?
When glancing at the world around me
I feel overwhelmed
lost as though I am a tiny grain of sand on the beach.
Longing to be swept out to sea
yet questioning if I belong trapped on the land.
Wondering that if I were to be carried away
amidst the waves,
if anyone would notice,
and if they did,
if they would even care to gather me out of the torrent
place me back onto the significant dry land again.
As I write these careless words
I creep nearer the current I know will seize my slender soul into its depths
yet I care not
whether I return from its gloomy places or not.
I am content to wallow in the trepidation of the world
specifically my own pathetically dreary life.

Service

Crap I cut out again
I mustn't have enough bars
The food is truly amazing and
I love the entertainment but
I could really use your company.
I’m just so tired of trying to gain your attention
The letters come back to me unopened
My telegrams go unreceived

Why is it that you only will answer me if I call
You know I have phone phobia
yet I will gladly brave those waves
for time with you

Precious are those four little lines-they don’t last
Standing still holding onto illusions that I have service.
So I’ll say it quick-I miss you
I love you
Please come home soon
Hello??

Damn another dropped call

This plan sucks.